SOMETIMES the left hand doesn't seem to know what the right hand is doing, for I've long been of the opinion that it is possible to sit in a bar or cafe and smoke a cigarette with my left hand whilst drinking a glass of wine with my right, or vice versa. Apparently not.

What on earth am I talking about? I'm talking about the fact that in the very near future, the powers that be have decided that it will be possible to drink for 24 hours a day in pubs and bars, whilst at the same time smoking will be banned from the same establishments most likely, as is the case already in some, and in Ireland.

Now correct me if I'm wrong, we all know the harmful effects and side-effects of smoking, whether active or passive, but is there not the risk of the occasional drink-related incident perhaps if people can binge all day and all night?

Minor, trifling incidents like volleys of abusive language from people that you don't seem to know very well over whose turn it is in the takeaway, or the odd friendly punch thrown your way at 4am because the drunken perpetrator mistakes you for the bloke who nicked his pint earlier on.

None of my smoker friends has ever got 'smashed' on 10 or 12 cigarettes and then gone out and kicked someone's head in.

Are we not, in other words, in danger of sending out very mixed messages about our recreational habits like drinking and smoking if we are going to more or less ban one while giving free access any time to the other?

Call me devil's advocate, but I'd like to propose, on behalf of oppressed smokers like myself everywhere, that we reverse this trend. Let's have 24-hour smoking bars and cafes in which alcohol is banned. What's happening is no less ludicrous.

Here are a few more loony contradictory suggestions for the powers that be to try out:

l Due to over-congestion, let's ban all pedestrians from town centres whilst introducing 24-hour parking charges. (Unfortunately that means that you'll have to sit in your car if you do park for fear of the wardens whose job it will be to strictly enforce this rule).

l Let's allow all food shops and takeaways to stay open 24 hours a day whilst banning them from selling junk food. Our sophisticated continental-style cafe society of the future will soon get used to coq-au-vin, saute potatoes -- and a selection of fresh seasonal vegetables -- at 3am instead of kebab and chips. This will help to promote healthy eating.

l Let's enforce strictly segregated pubs and bars -- either male or female only. This will reduce the risk of sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancies.

I read only this week in the Telegraph that smoking is to be banned in bus shelters. Are bus shelters not often open all down one side? Does that not allow a modicum of fresh air into the bus shelter? Is a bus shelter really an enclosed space? Uh, no. I think not.

Stub it out? Stub out lunatic laws instead.

MARK BEHAN, Ramsey Road, Blackburn.