If you don't buy your card today it's going to be too late. And then come tomorrow you'll be kicking yourself when she starts comparing you to her friends husband or boyfriend.

Women are very good at that...comparing stuff. If the neighbour's got a better kitchen than ours, then we're in for the whole comparing speech. If a friend's husband brought his wife 50 roses, we look like a bunch of skin flints.

If on Valentine's Day some gentleman decides to cook his partner a romantic meal then no matter what we do for the next 15 years we're in for a grilling.

I don't think it's fair to compare the lazy guys to the blokes who have time on their hands to do the romantic stuff. For instance if I had a day off during the week I'd probably arrange a couple of games of football, maybe take a gander down the town centre and if I've got some time left go to Darwen Street to get a kebab for the love of my life.

But she wouldn't understand.

The toughest thing is to explain to someone what Valentine's Day is all about, for instance if they are from another country. The brave man will at least try to explain to his wife, but the coward will say it's just another one of those 'English things' that only 'English people do'.

It's not as we don't like doing the romantic stuff, we just don't want anyone to know we did it. A friend of mine tries his best every year to appear inconspicuous on February 13 carrying a bunch of chocolates and flowers through the town centre. When asked where he is going with them, the answer is always the same: "They are for my mum." Strange man.

If by chance we end up buying something, the worse kind of response is when she says it's rubbish.

Oh no, you can't say 'It's the thought that counts' but instead you get 'That was a rubbish idea and what the hell am I going to do with that?'

OK next year I won't buy you a PlayStation you ungrateful woman.

And do you want a card or don't you? How on earth are we supposed to know?

We don't know because we're only 'New man' but now there's 'New New man'.

It took years to become 'New man'. We'd have been better off remaining 'Where's my rotee (nan bread) and salan (curry)?' man. Life would have been so much simpler.

So for goodness sake fellas, just get the damn card, you know you want to!